For as long as I can remember I have used exercise as a form of escape. Whatever sport or activity it was I would throw myself 100% into it and be lost in it for the whole duration. I loved, what I now know to be, the mindfulness I could achieve in sport. I'm like a dog, in the terms of give me a ball to chase and I can do that all day.

Whenever a major life event would happen, rather than facing the event, I would throw my effort and focus into an activity, whatever that may be. Following divorce I signed up to the Brighton marathon, the days after my Dad had his fatal heart attack I lived at our local dog rescue walking dogs in the fields all day. These activities gave me peace and purpose, but it was only temporary. As soon as the activity was complete I'd have to start looking for the next thing. During lockdown when everything was cancelled and we couldn't go anywhere that's when I realised how much a pillar sport was for me.  I realised things weren't right, I had an amazing wife, good friends, good job, we lived in paradise in Bermuda, but I couldn't find joy in anything I did. I made one of the scariest but best decisions I've ever made in actually admitting that and seeking help.

In 2021, just after moving back to the UK, I was diagnosed with depression and undertook a round of cognitive behavioural therapy. I was so desperate to appreciate life and everything I was lucky enough to have, but no matter what I tried I couldn't find joy in anything I did. The therapy was a game changer for me. I realised I actually had a bit of an unhealthy relationship with exercise, in that I relied 100% on it as my release. As I couldn't get that release for more than an hour or so a day the rest of the time I filled with drinking, eating and gambling. I was never addicted to any of these vices, but they were the only things I could find that would keep my mind focused on anything else other than what was going on in my head.  

I began implementing small changes to my life and focused on building a better version of myself each day. I started cold showers, ice baths, meditating, journalling, reading, fasting and started to see some really positive changes. I noticed how important being outdoors was for me. I began taking our dog out for runs on trails near us and fell in love with this ritual. Most importantly, I began opening up and talking to those closest to me about what I was experiencing and how I felt. Exercise became just one release mechanism, not the only one.

After making these changes I decided I wanted to put myself through an ultimate mental and physical challenge, I'd always been a fan of SAS Who Dares Wins, so began searching for something like this. I had no interest in the TV aspect, I just wanted to see what I was made of. I was accepted onto the Process, run by Special Forces Experience, a group of ex Canadian Special Forces vets. The Process is an 8-day special forces style initiation in the Canadian mountains with a single figure completion rate which I will be undertaking in October 2023. As part of this I began thinking how best I could prepare myself for the physical exertion and sleep deprivation and that led me to the Spartan Ultra in October 2022.

I rocked up with no strategy ready to complete the 50km hilly course with 60 obstacles and had the time of my life. I was completely out my depth but for the first time I saw what I was capable of as a person. Despite pushing my body to the extremes, including straining my forearm, I was the person helping others when they were trying to stop or find a way out. I literally picked up a guy struggling with cramp 400m from the finish line and sprinted with him to make sure he finished.

I fell in love with ultras that day for what it gave to me. Each time I enter a race I know there is a better version of myself waiting wherever that finish line for me may be. I say it like that as even if I DNF an event, whatever point I make it to is my finish line and that is where the better version of me is waiting. Helping others has become a huge reason for me. I created Project Youdaimonia, which is a Greek word meaning "humans flourishing", and raise money and awareness for YoungMinds through my activities. I talk to anyone: runners, volunteers, members of the public that I pass about the amazing work the charity does and want to do everything in my power that no one suffering from mental health suffers in silence. I also created the Why We Run Podcast which gives guests the opportunity to share their tales from the pack, and stories with the world. 

My second race was the Brutal Events Two'r in December 2022. 164 miles seemed perfectly achievable in my head, perhaps that's just the way I'm wired. Unfortunately, at some point in the first 15 miles I noticed my left shin was not right. I tried to shake it off but the pain didn't go. Realising I couldn't run I decided to hike and that got me to 40 miles. At the Portland checkpoint the medic and race team tried to give me an out to medically withdraw, but my mind was not ready to quit and as I was right on the cut off I left the checkpoint and ran the next 15 miles, my mind completely blocking out the pain. I ran through Weymouth and all the way to the next hill section. At this point I slowed to a walk and realised I couldn't put any weight on my left leg. I looked at the shin and it had swollen up like a golf ball, my ankle also had significant swelling. It took me nearly 3 hours to cover the last 5 miles to the Checkpoint at Lulworth where I knew I would have to withdraw. I was devastated, not because I hadn't finished, but because my mind still wanted to continue, there is unfinished business with the course.

I couldn't walk for the whole of December and just got back training in March. Since then I have completed a 47 mile and 66 mile event all primed at having another go at the Two'r in April 2023. I will run the One'r as part of the event and then turn at Studland and attempt to repeat the course with the support of my crew (wife). If I don't finish, I can accept that, but I will keep trying until it is my mind that gives in, not my body. Wish me luck!